Conflicting emotions aren’t rare or odd. They are part of life. What’s rare is to ever have a single emotion without another one nearby pushing its way into your mind.
I’ve learned that I can be grateful to be alive, and frustrated that I’ve fallen up the steps… again.
Whatever growth you’ve had, it’s never enough. The rest of life works that way, too. Healing from sickness, recovery, and growth in anything are so slow. It’s so slow, it can be discouraging, frustrating, even infuriating. It’s human nature: we want the progress to be fast, and fast enough to notice it.
Two years later, I finally had an answer, but that answer meant I had another medical condition. There is both relief and grief when you get a medical diagnosis. I felt relief because there was an explanation for my symptoms, and I could learn to manage them—and maybe feel better. I felt grief because that meant having yet another medical condition to manage that will likely never go away.
After surviving cardiac arrest, my life was turned upside down, but I didn’t even realize it. I was in a medically induced coma for days afterward. When they brought me out of the coma, it was Saturday afternoon. I was told what happened. I didn’t understand at all the impact of it, but I thought I did.
I had no idea getting back to normal was not in the cards. Between medical appointments, therapies and crushing fatigue, returning to my old life was more of a fantasy. Yet, I’d wake up every day and tell myself, “Today is the day I’m going to crush it.” Except I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I’ve been asked about my lifestyle numerous times by doctors and nurses. After sharing all the details, they said it’s shocking that I had cardiac arrest.
What led up to that day is equally shocking. What happened after is beyond words. Across America, more people have become aware of how health insurance companies routinely deny coverage for their policyholders. These aren’t rare instances, it’s part of their system to put profit over patients.
It can be challenging to live what people consider a normal life when you get reminders every day, throughout the day, that you live with numerous health conditions.
As someone who has seen over 45 doctors and medical providers in just over eight years, I can say from experience—it’s hard to escape thoughts of your health.
On January 11, 2018, I went for my run, frustrated that I kept having to walk to catch my breath. I’d learn after the fact that I was having a heart attack during that run. I had no chest pain, and no indication that I should be concerned. It was no different from the previous 100 runs. If you had told me I was having a heart attack, I wouldn’t have believed it. I felt fine.
I had no idea that in less than 10 minutes, I wouldn’t be breathing. Fresh fruit in my smoothie and so many other things would no longer matter.
“A man is great not because he hasn’t failed; a man is great because failure hasn’t stopped him.”
— Confucius
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