I Survived. It Can Be Awkward.

I’m part of an exclusive club I didn’t ask to join. I feel guilty about it.

By John Centofanti

I’m a Marketing Strategist, Writer & Digital Content Creator. Since 2006, I’ve been telling stories for business. Now I’m telling my own.

In January 2018, I went for my daily run. Shortly after, I became a cardiac arrest survivor. 💙

I'm sharing my story of losing my previous life and my journey to build a new one I love. That includes being a husband, father and grandfather.

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Survival is Rare

A few years after surviving cardiac arrest, a very close friend for over 30 years had a serious heart attack. Days later, he had a cardiac arrest in the hospital and passed away. His wife and young kids were left to figure out life without him.

A couple of years later, a friend far away had a heart attack and didn’t make it. Recently, another good friend—quite fit—unexpectedly had a heart attack and didn’t survive. It still seems shocking and unbelievable.

When a friend dies from a heart problem, I think about the family they left behind. I feel guilty I survived.

Not Why Me. Why Him?

Survivor’s guilt is the experience of psychological distress due to surviving or escaping a situation relatively unharmed or unaffected, as compared to others.

Surviving is only awkward to me if I allow it. No one has ever asked me the question I’ve asked myself: Why did I survive, miraculously, and they didn’t? Plenty of people have simplistic answers that bother me. I know God has a purpose for my life. He isn’t finished with me yet. I don’t like that answer because it unintentionally implies he did not have a purpose for the ones who died young.

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I don’t have an answer.

I don’t think an acceptable answer is possible.

When Enjoying Good Feels Bad

Survivor’s guilt is more common than you think. A tornado devastated your neighbor’s home. You only had some debris in your backyard. Your company made staff cuts. Eight of your close coworkers are out of a job. You’re not.

You don’t need to survive a near-death experience for this to resonate. Maybe a good friend lost their job the same day you bought your dream home. Or the day you found out your bad knee just needed ice and rest, your friend learned they needed complicated knee surgery. Should you feel bad about having good in your life?

His Grass Was Literally Greener

I remember watching the news about California wildfires a few years ago. They were interviewing a man who showed how his entire neighborhood burned to the ground. There were no more neighbors or homes within sight. Somehow, not an inch of his property was touched. His grass could have been on a Scott’s fertilizer commercial. If I hadn’t seen it on the news, I might not have believed it.

No doubt the man felt grateful. Did he feel guilty he made it without a scratch?

My Survival is a Reminder

Since I have numerous medical appointments, I often meet new nurses. When they review my medical record and see I survived cardiac arrest, they always ask questions. Frequently, they share their own story of a friend or family member my age who also had cardiac arrest but didn’t survive. They point it out as a way to celebrate my life. Healthcare professionals are glad when people survive. Still, I wonder if sitting in front of them is a reminder that I survived and their loved one didn’t.

I Don’t Need to Know the Purpose

Can I solve the mystery of why I lived and others didn’t? I don’t need to know. I do know that feeling guilty about it helps no one. My guilt doesn’t make someone’s loss less painful. Feeling bad doesn’t honor the way my deceased friends would want me to live.

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I won’t achieve my purpose in life unless I become the person I was created to be.

Guilt won’t get me there.

I believe all of my friends who lost a loved one are glad I survived. Guilt is self-inflicted. Objectively, I know all of that. Living it out can be a challenge.

Survivor’s Gift

For me, that means being an encouragement to friends whose loved one died. I may have some limitations because of my health, but I can be a listening ear when someone wants to open up about how they’re really doing. Anyone can do that.

If you just bought your dream home, consider helping your jobless friend in whatever way is practical. Offer to drive your friend to appointments after knee surgery. You can't be helpful if you both had knee surgery. You don’t need to feel guilty for having good in your life, and you can use it for good.

The whole point of my survival can’t be only for me. Instead of survivor’s guilt, I view it as survivor’s gift. Yes, the gift is for me—I lived—but not only for me. Survivor’s gift means I can give myself to others because I’m alive.