Being Grateful and Angry at the Same Time

"My response when someone tells me I should be grateful to be alive is this: “You should be, too.”

Right after I survived cardiac arrest, nearly everyone I spoke to said, “You should be grateful to be alive.”

I was. I am.

Years later, any time I tell someone that I survived cardiac arrest, the response is similar: “You should be grateful to be alive!” I still am. I struggled for a long time with this statement because of the repercussions of surviving. Life as I knew it was gone instantly, and there is no way to rebuild what I had. I know that may sound ridiculous to some people, but surviving brings a myriad of unwanted aspects of life. I want to be clear that building a great life is possible, and I work at it every day, but it would be foolish to think my life could return to what it once was.

Struggle to Rebuild

Early on, I struggled to regain or recreate my old life. Any time I had slightly more energy than I had been having, I’d work more hours. Even when I didn’t have energy, I tried to rebuild what I had, in whatever way I knew how. Whether it was working on my business, trying to run again, or just have the stamina to stay awake during daylight hours, I gave it my all. That sounds positive, except It didn’t work. It only caused more fatigue, which lead to more depression.

My doctors told me that I was consistently overdoing. My drive, or overdrive, was contributing to my baseline fatigue. Surviving cardiac arrest means that I now live with the impact of anoxic brain injury. Survivors with a brain injury will be more fatigued, every day, for the rest of their lives. The brain needs to rest, more often than I’d like to accept.

Many people in endurance sports talk about mindset. If your body feels like quitting, you just don’t let it. You ignore the complaints and keep going, as long as you’re not in danger. I took the same approach to recovery and building a new life. I assumed I’d get the results I wanted. Just keep moving. Keep pushing. Keep trying. When my brain doesn’t get the rest it needs, I can’t ignore it. It makes sure it gets the rest it requires. That comes in the form of fatigue.

Attending a Funeral Every Day

My best friend saw my attempts to rebuild my old life, and it was evident those attempts weren’t working. I don’t think he made up this statement, but he shared it at the time I needed to hear it: “You’re going to continue to be depressed, no matter how hard you try. It’s because every day you’re attending a funeral. That funeral is for your old life. Your old life is gone and isn’t coming back. You have to build a new one.”

So true! So difficult to hear.

Previously, when I wanted to accomplish something, I’d just work harder. I found out that much of life doesn’t work that way. It didn’t in this case.

In my efforts to rebuild a new life that wasn’t weighed down with health issues, I’ve found myself angry, frustrated, encouraged, discouraged, hopeful, hopeless, victorious, failing, depressed, joyful, grateful, and disappointed. Guess what. I’ve often felt many of those things at once.

About six months after cardiac arrest, the young man who ran my business, Sam, got married. I can’t express how indebted I am to him for taking over my business overnight without any warning or preparation. I was excited to attend his wedding at a very swanky venue.

Careful Doesn’t Cut It

I had been dropping things and found myself uncoordinated when it mattered, but I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with two different movement disorders. I thought I just needed to be more careful, but movement disorders don’t work that way. That’s why they’re called disorders.

Every place setting at the wedding had, what looked to me, 12 glasses, numerous forks, plates, spoons and other items that seemed to touch the next fragile item on the right and the left. I’ve been to enough first class events to know what these things are for, and when. This was different. The last thing I wanted to do was to be that guy who knocked things over, as if I hadn’t been anywhere nicer than McDonald’s. So I approached the table and every movement carefully, consciously. That’s tiring.

At one point, I reached for one of my many glasses to get a drink. What happened next looked like a domino trick where numerous dominoes fall in a split second, one right after another.

Instead of picking up my glass, I knocked it over, splashing red wine on a woman two seats away from me. She was wearing a white dress with small red flowers. It wasn’t immediately obvious that the dots of red were not flowers, but wine.

I’m not easily embarrassed in public, but I was then.

Grateful and…

I’ve learned that I can be grateful to be alive, and frustrated that I’ve fallen up the steps… again. Knowing I can still drive and dress myself makes me grateful. Not being able to run any more makes me angry. Therapy has helped me to be more coordinated, and that makes me thankful. Knowing I will never be as coordinated as I once was, nor as much as other people, makes me disappointed.

We sometimes hear someone say they have conflicting emotions. For example, you may be thrilled you got a major promotion, but sad you have to move across the country. Or you’re so excited your daughter is getting married to a wonderful man, but you’re depressed about being an empty nester. Conflicting emotions aren’t rare or odd. They are part of life. What’s rare is to ever have a single emotion without another one nearby pushing its way into your mind.

From Stuck to Unstuck

Holding in anger or pretending you’re not discouraged when you actually are isn’t healthy. It’s not noble, either. It’s detrimental to you eventually. Early on in my health journey, I stuffed down negative emotions. Conscious or subconscious, it’s as if not acknowledging them would make them go away. That doesn’t work.

When I tell people they should also be grateful to be alive, they often respond with, “I am, but you know, tomorrow you could…”

“Die? I know I can. So can you.”

I’m grateful to be alive because I almost died. Statistically speaking, I should be dead. Only 9% of people survive Out of Hospital Cardiac Arrest, or OHCA. But people die in car accidents every day, or fall off ladders, or break their necks in skiing accidents. It wouldn’t be healthy to dwell on those possibilities, but anyone can die tomorrow. That’s why you should be grateful to be alive and make the most of today. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.

These days, I let most people know that I’m more grateful to be alive than they could imagine. I also share that my daily life can be frustrating and discouraging. Everything I do can feel like a struggle. I’ve accepted that challenge. Even in that acceptance, there are some days when I’m—transparently—quite pissed about all of it.

I’ve learned to let myself feel those things. I try not to dwell there, but I don’t pretend those feelings aren’t there. When we mentally tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, it hinders healing and slows growth. As if being grateful means I can never see a runner and wish it were me running again. Gratitude doesn’t mean I can’t be frustrated I’m having to clean up a broken glass again, or moping the floor because I accidentally flung used coffee grounds across the kitchen.

I couldn’t process negative emotions until I acknowledged I had them in the first place. The more honest I was with myself, the easier it was to process those emotions. That made me more successful in overcoming negative thoughts. Before I learned to do this, I’d drive by a runner, feel sad I could no longer run, and then mentally scold myself for being ungrateful. You know what resulted? I’d dwell on the fact that I wasn’t grateful enough and continually sad I couldn’t run again. It wasn’t a healthy way to live.

The next time you have conflicting emotions, like later today, work through them. You may have passion and confidence to try something new yet also have fear of failure lurking behind you. You can feel both, but let your passion propel you to action.

Gratitude in Action

If you allow yourself to feel certain emotions without correcting yourself, it’s a positive step toward healing. The healthier you are, the more likely you will move forward with your dreams. One way of showing your gratitude for life is to make your life count. Being grateful to be alive is more than a feeling. You can put action behind that gratitude. You likely have more to offer this world than the world has seen.